


"Armbreaker" Arnault

by Oricalle



Series: Luck Of The Draw Universe [2]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Companion Piece, Gen, Humor, Joke Fic, Modern AU, Very Mild Language, dorothea breaks someone's arms, this is Not Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 19:16:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21081737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oricalle/pseuds/Oricalle
Summary: On a moonlit evening, a cruel plot is enacted that threatens to end the life of Edelgard!  Only one heroine can save her now, but Byleth does not appear in this story so we've gotta hope Dorothea can get the job done.(This is a joke fic/spinoff of "Luck of the Draw".)





	"Armbreaker" Arnault

**Author's Note:**

> So, I joked in the Comments of Chapter 6 that I would write a secret chapter where Dorothea broke Arundel's arms.
> 
> I wouldn't want to disappoint you.
> 
> Please note that if you have not read "Luck Of The Draw", this will make even less sense!

It was a cold night at Garreg Mach University. It was a cold night everywhere surrounding Garreg Mach University too, because that is how both time and the weather work. Inside of a lonely apartment, Edelgard Hresvelg was reading a book. As she flipped through the pages, she took a sip of her tea, swirling the familiar beverage in her mouth for a few moments. It was a peaceful evening, the kind on which you wouldn’t expect anything bad to happen.

Wasn’t it ironic, then, that Edelgard felt herself losing her grip on consciousness, the lights of her room beginning to dim as she slipped away into involuntary sleep. This was exactly the kind of bad thing you would not expect to happen on a peaceful night like the one previously mentioned.

Mere moments later, by the force of the plot, Dorothea Arnault and Ferdinand Aegir burst through the door.

“Edieeee!” Dorothea called, waving her arms in the air for some reason, “Time for our weekly Netflix night! Let’s get crunk and watch Scrubs until we pass out!”

“I am Ferdinand von Aegir.” said Ferdinand, and the studio audience went absolutely bananas.

“Edie?” Dorothea slowly approached the limp form of her pale-haired friend, jostling her gently. “Uh oh! Ferdinand, look! A dropped cup of tea, an unconscious Edelgard, and a pervading sense of mystery emitted by the light of the full moon! She must have been poisoned!”

“I am Ferdinand von Aegir.” said Ferdinand, again.

Quickly, Dorothea whipped her head around, taking note of the convenient VCR and miniature TV plugged into Edelgard’s wall. Just now she noticed the large Post-It attached to the appliances that read “WATCH THIS IF I AM POISONED”. Never one to ignore such friendly advice, Dorothea pressed play, and she and Ferdinand watched as a grainy image of Edelgard blinked onto the screen.

“Hello. If you are watching this tape, it means I have been poisoned.” buzzed the virtual Edelgard. “If I have not been poisoned, please remove the tape.” A few seconds later, she continued. “I have been poisoned. The culprit is certainly my father’s sentient dumpster of a friend, Volkhard Arundel. It is likely that he also possesses the antidote, because he is a cackling cartoon supervillain and that just kind of seems like something that he would do. If it is not, I will look very foolish. Anyway, please help me out here. Thank you, unknown benefactor.” Edelgard proceeded to wrestle with the camera for several seconds before finally finding the off switch.

“Well, that settles it.” Dorothea said, beginning to roll up her sleeves. “I guess it’s time to go and kick some ass. You ready to throw down, Ferdie?”

“I am Ferdinand Von Aegir.”

“You’re useless, Ferdie.”

Brushing past the catch-phrase man, Dorothea leapt onto the banister of the stairs and slid down, because she’s cool like that, and tried to ignore how much it hurt her legs as she ran out to the apartment’s parking lot. There, standing beneath a lamppost, was Dimitri, who waved as she exited.

“Evening, Dorothea!” he called.

“Hey!” she responded, jogging over to him. “Edie’s been poisoned!”

“Oh no! That sucks.”

“Agreed! I think the culprit was some guy named “Volkhard Arundel”. Have you heard of him?”

Dimitri’s eyes lit up, much like the lamppost. Well, the lamp part of the lamppost. “Of course. He’s in charge of Agartha Chemical! They’ve got an office downtown, they’re one of the most successful biochem companies in the country.”

Suddenly, Dorothea lunged forward, grabbing both of Dimitri’s shoulders. “Dimitri, please, I need you to drive me there ASAP. It’s a matter of life and death! I know you don’t always get along, but Edelgard’s life is hanging in the balance, and I, as her friend, refuse to let her down! She’s fought too hard to have everything snatched away! O cruel fate, stay thine blade, lest you cleave in twain what cannot be uncloven!”

“I was going to say yes anyway.” Dimitri replied, looking extremely puzzled by the word “uncloven”.

“Oh! Well thanks. Let’s go!”

Piling into Dimitri’s limousine, leaving poor Ferdinand behind, Dorothea and Dimitri began their journey to Agartha Chem’s headquarters. The limo’s radio droned out a quiet tune, and Dorothea found herself with nothing to really say as they made their way to Agartha Chemical. She pulled out her phone, absentmindedly browsed through some photos, and quickly updated her Facebook status.

“someone poisoned my friend so now i’m gonna get revenge lol”

Caspar liked it.

“Hey, Dimitri?” Dorothea asked. “Why were you hanging around outside of Edie’s apartment anyway?”

“Oh!” he said, turning directly to the fake camera that represents the reader’s point of view, “The author feels bad that I’m really not in the main plot very much despite finding me an interesting character, and also wants those sweet, sweet Dimitri based views, so I have a cameo now.”

“Oh that’s cool. How far are we from the building?” Dorothea asked.

“About six minutes.” Dimitri replied, and the scene transitioned because there was nothing interesting at all going on.

On the top floor of the black building that served as Agartha’s headquarters, Volkhard was finishing a long day of nefarious deeds.

“Nya ha ha!” he cackled, in the midst of replacing several words in a collection of books intended for the local orphanage with cusses, “time to corrupt the youth!” With a flourish, he finished the last word of his cuss and slid back in his wheeled chair, running a pair of fingernails through his thin mustache. As he spun his chair in a semicircle, he clasped his hands together before the wall-sized window and rubbed them together vigorously.

“Soon, my toxic trap will take root, and Ionius’ daughter will die, leaving me the sole inheritor to the Adrestian fortune! I shall spend the money on villainy! Bwa ha ha HA!”

As the thunder boomed in the distance and a flash of lightning illuminated the city, Volkhard found his eye drawn to a speck rising up the building below.

“Bah! Another accursed avian! I shall blow it to bits with my crossbow!” hissed the executive, straining his eyes to see what unfortunate pigeon would meet its crossbow-based demise today. But it wasn’t a pigeon at all. Pigeons don’t have finely combed auburn hair, nor stunning magenta flats.

“I’M ON MY WAY, PUNK.” Dorothea yelled as she walked straight up the side of the building, gravity being far too intimidated to mess with someone carrying that level of badass energy. “SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR WRIST BONES.”

With a powerful kick, Dorothea shattered the window, diving through as she allowed her body to obey the laws of physics once more, The shards of shattered glass at her feet sparkled as she posed dramatically in the moonlight, leaving a cowering Arundel to snarl in rage.

“Who are you? What do you want? How did you walk up the side of a building?”

As she closed in on her prey, a predatory grin creeping across her face, Dorothea answered his questions.

“I’m Dorothea Arnault. I want the antidote to save my friend Edie from your poison. And I walk up buildings because I won’t let anybody tell me I can’t.”

Lunging down, she scooped Arundel under his arms and pinned him to the wall, drawing on a level of strength that was frankly unrealistic for a mid-twenties theater dork but if that’s going to put you off, I don’t know how you read the preceding 1180ish words.

“Where’s the antidote?” she growled, pressing hard on Arundel’s wrists.

He simply chuckled, sneering back with cold eyes. “I’ll never tell you, you little rat. Scurry back to the gutter you crawled from.” Dorothea leaned forward, her typically sunny facade seeming to crumble into a look of utter hatred. She glared at Arundel’s jacket pocket.

“What’s in there, Arundel?”

“Nothing.”

Dorothea reared back and, with the core strength of a ten-time chorus line veteran, slammed a powerful high kick directly into Arundel’s right elbow, shattering his arm. As he howled in pain and doubled over, a tiny glass bottle slipped from his pocket and clattered to the floor.

“CURSES!” he shouted, writhing in pain beneath Dorothea’s grasp. “You discovered my secret antidote! Damn you, Dorothea Arnault! You win this round!”

“Oh, I’m not done yet!”

This time, Dorothea’s other foot came up, smashing Arundel’s left elbow, just for good measure.

“AAAAAAAAAHHH! What the HELL? Do you have ROCKS in your shoes, woman?”

“Yes.” Dorothea replied, kicking off one of her shoes and pointing as several rocks scattered across Arundel’s carpet. “See ya, dickhead. Hurt my Edie again and it’s your legs.”

As his assailant gathered up the antidote bottle and her missing shoe, Arundel sunk to his knees, hissing to himself with rage at the intrusion. He detested this vile woman, but could do nothing but watch as she sauntered away, taking the elevator this time and pushing over his coatrack for good measure.

After a second car ride so uneventful that there will not even be a joke, Dimitri and Dorothea burst into Edelgard’s apartment. “Edie!” she cried, brandishing the bottle she’d stolen from Arundel, “Don’t worry, dear, I’ve got the antidote to save you!”

“Dorothea, what are you talking about?”

Dorothea blinked as she took in the sight before her. Edelgard sat on a couch with Ferdinand, in the middle of what appeared to be a rousing game of Fire Emblem. Edelgard’s eyes were wide and she quite clearly had a case of bedhead, but she looked distinctly un-poisoned. Normally that wouldn’t be a cause for alarm, but Dorothea found herself simply gawking at her dear friend.

“You’d been poisoned! Dimitri and I went to get the antidote for you!”

“Hello.” Dimitri said, waving. “I’m in this story.”

“Oh. No, I just fell asleep.” Edelgard replied. “I haven’t slept in days, you know, with the trauma.”

“What trauma?” Dorothea asked.

“I am Ferdinand Von Aegir!” said Ferdinand, and the burst of applause completely caused Dorothea to lose her train of thought and forget about questioning Edelgard on the plot-relevant information in this absolutely non-canon side story.

“Edie, I broke a guy’s ARMS tonight. For you!” Dorothea exclaimed.

“And that means so much to me, Dorothea.” Edelgard said, smiling warmly. “You’re a good friend.”

“Aww...Edie…” 

As the pair embraced, Dimitri made his way to the couch and sat down. “Well, I don’t know about you three, but I don’t have anything to do tonight. Would you like to sit around and watch Netflix until we all pass out?”

“That sounds lovely!” Dorothea responded, slowly pulling away from Edelgard. “But not at all very exciting for a final story beat. Does anyone else have any ideas?”

“Hmm…” Edelgard muttered. “Give me a moment here.” Quickly, she reached into her bag for a pen and pad of paper and scribbled a note before handing it to Dimitri. “Just read that out, Dimitri."

“Err, if you say so.” Dimitri cleared his throat, turning to face the reader again.

“Kill every last one of them!”

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Secret Author's Notes:
> 
> -The Google Drive title for this is "dorothea off the shits"  
-Dimitri does have a limousine in the real plot too. This is hidden world building, Level 5 Secret Lore.  
-I'm so sorry.  
-with apologies to mr. dimitri alexandre blaiddyd


End file.
